Sunday, August 24, 2014

I’m Not Perfect

The evening was cool, though it wasn’t calm. Someone was going far away from me and that too without smiles on our faces. It was hard to agree with the fact that we’ll no longer belong to one another. Blame to me, I pelted stones to our peaceful nest and disturbed the happy birds. Yes, I did it all. I know I’d many mistakes in my life. Some were hard to digest. Some consumed me alive. Other mistakes were that I should’ve never done. Well, anyway I did mistakes in my life. I should blame myself, just like everyone does for being human being. But, many times I failed to realize my mistakes and apology wasn’t just my frequent word I uttered.
This time, yet again I made mistake and it took its toll on me, shattering my dreams and drowning me into perpetual pain. As a matter of fact, I should’ve never realized my mistakes and that my arrogance would’ve ruled me, but somehow miracle happened within me that prompted me to feel guilty and ever since, apology haunted the tranquility of my mind. I’ve always thought, saying sorry was not in my genes, but I indeed felt sorry for her.
I wanted to apologize her and sort our differences. I waited for her to come. She wasn’t coming. Yet, I waited for her. Even if she wasn’t going to accept my apology, I was to see her for the last time before she goes far away from me, never to meet again like we always did. It was dark and the time was striking 8pm. I was cold and alone, praying that she would come as soon as possible.
Yes! Finally she came. Thanks to her. I became warm and smile appeared across my face. But she was still angry. I knew she should be. I have done things I shouldn’t have done to her. I’ve said words I shouldn’t have mentioned to her. Regret was within me but there was no way I could take back and modify. I just wished if I could edit those words and say it again. I wished if I could rewind those things I’ve done to her and do it all over again. But I knew that wish would just remain as a wish.
Nevertheless, I have decided to fall over her knees and apologize to her for my greatest mistakes I’ve done. And I did. I really did. That itself made me happy. I never thought that I would fall on knees. I did and I was happy that I could finally accept my mistakes and for asking her the chance to improve. I was that I finally said sorry. Just like I accepted her apology sometimes, I thought she would forgive me too. There was little doubt that she would never forgive my mistakes and that evening I was there facing the reality when she didn’t accept my apology and simply walked away leaving me once again in the hands of cold August night.
I know its fine with me. She has told me many times that she would never forgive me. I just hope she wouldn’t remember my mistakes. That would fulfill my half aspirations and I know something is always better than nothing. That would reduce the volume of salt on my wounds. That would simply let me rest in peace. And that would sprout a smile on my face.
I wanted to call her not because I want to start all over again, but because I want to let her know that I’m happy for her choice of path of leaving me and that for she finally learned to live without me. I picked my phone. My heart got clenched and fingers became numb. Wry eyes kept staring at her number and there was no way I could press that damn green button. Time was passing so fast. Memories getting diluted and pain are intensifying.
I don’t know why but it always happens to me. Now, when she has already moved on why I still linger in my past cherishing the happy memories of me and her. Why I’m unable to move on? Why on earth I’ve to struggle? I did mistakes, I do mistakes and I’ll do mistakes. Because I’m just a normal human being and I’m not perfect!


  1. No one is perfect. Most important is for us to learn the lesson from things that we've done in the past. Life goes on so move forward and look ahead! And btw, you are not the only one going through this kind of pain. So be brave as many have overcome it before. Take care!